A couple of weeks ago, I had professional business photos taken at my home. I always dread photos because I am not a natural smiler. Since I was a kid, when I posed for photos, I didn’t look natural—I always had a fake, forced smile (the photo above was taken at my aunt and uncle’s wedding. I had a fake smile even at four years old!).
Typically, it takes the photographer fifty or more photos to capture a more natural smile of me (wine helps too). I posted about my dislike of getting photos taken on Facebook, and several of my friends commented that I always look great in photos. The point is, I ONLY post the photos that look more natural. No one saw the back end of the photo shoot—the countless poses and angles and shots the photographer took—you only see what made it onto my website or Facebook page. There were over sixty photos, and only a handful were decent enough to share with the world.
I’m not going to post the awful photos for the world to see. My friends saw the front stage—the one good photo that made the cut; not the backstage—the two-hour photo shoot of awkward poses and fake smiles.
It’s the same for many other things in life. We see the front stage of someone else’s life—the success, awards, well-behaved kids, or amazing vacations—but we don’t see the backstage—the pain, struggle, disappointments, and hard work.
What we see is often carefully curated, or at least doesn’t reflect the back story or journey it took to get them there.
Have you ever felt behind where you want to be in your career or life? Have you ever compared yourself to others?
In my work with leaders, this is extremely common—in fact, I don’t think I have ever met a human who didn’t compare themselves to others at times and feel deflated. Even with all the personal development work I have done over the years, I still find myself falling into this trap at times. I see someone who is where I want to be and feel frustrated that I am not there yet. Can you relate?
There are a few problems with this comparative thinking:
- We are so focused on the gap between where we are and where we want to be, that we feel deflated, discouraged, and helpless. This fuels our inner critic and keeps us stuck.
When you feel stuck, one of the best things you can do is to look backward instead of forward. Looking back a few years, what have you accomplished? How have you specifically grown from where you were a few years ago?
It’s more energizing and productive to think of how far you have come than how far you have to go. This keeps you in a positive mindset to keep working toward your goals (you are not ignoring the future and your goals; you are simply breaking the pattern of comparing yourself to others and feeling stuck in overwhelm because you aren’t *yet* where you want to be). Beware of Compare!
- We often don’t see what goes on behind the scenes of what it took for someone to get to where they are. We see their front stage.
Perhaps there is a leader in your organization who you admire. This leader is highly respected and where you want to be—in an influential executive role with a great team.
Our tendency is to focus on where that person is now rather than on what it took to get there. We don’t see the years of hard work, learning, mistakes, classes, certifications, and dedication that culminated to lead that person to where they are today.
- Even people who seem successful and have it all together have challenges. No one has a perfect life. The successful leader who has had amazing professional success might have challenges in their personal life.
When we compare ourselves to others, we are comparing the good parts, not the challenging parts. We don’t have an accurate and full picture of someone’s reality, so we are deluding ourselves into thinking others have it better than us. This crushes our spirit and motivation.
Everyone has a back story. No one’s life is perfect and stress free.
Stay focused on your own vision for your future and where you are going. It’s fine to gain inspiration from people who are where you want to be one day. But comparing yourself to their front stage will only fuel your inner critic and leave you feeling inadequate and insecure.
I believe we'll never reach our full potential in our lifetime. As we grow and achieve our goals, we create new goals that stretch our abilities and what we are capable of. It’s completely normal to fall in the trap of comparing ourselves to others or focusing on the positives others have in their lives. The key is to shift your mindset to use the information as inspiration rather than discouragement.
The best way to build confidence is to take action. Become clear about your vision, create a plan with smaller steps, and take the first step, then the next, then the next.
Each time you accomplish a step, you are reinforcing to yourself that you can accomplish your goals. This builds your confidence each time, and before you know it, you are achieving your goals and creating your own success.
Download the complementary resource, "Beware of Compare" Reframing Tool for strategies to overcome the comparison trap.
Whenever I have a work project that I keep putting off - I think about delegating that project to someone else - which accomplishes 2 things- it gets the project done and frees us my brain space thinking about it.
Good morning. I loved this read. Thank you so much for sharing. Sincerely, Melissa :)
Thank you for this blog Laurie. I liked most part and specially "As organizations have become more complex, there is a tendency to require employees to do more with less. This is a slippery slope, and often can result in employees feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. One of the biggest contributors to this is not evaluating resources during the strategic planning process." I will use this practice "A best practice is to do what I call Priority Planning—putting important practices on your calendar ahead of time so they become a priority in your day. Examples of activities to Priority Plan include scheduling recurring coaching sessions with each team member, time for strategic thinking and planning, vacations, doctor appointments, important children’s events, and blocks of time for focused work on projects." To be more effective, I will get a good rest so I can have enough energy in the morning. I will read the blog again along with the other links on employee evaluation. Thank you so much Laurie. Best wishes to you and your family.
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I love the feedback on the more than 50 hours of work. AND filling time. So true. Unfortunately, showing that you work longer hours is still seen as being a "hard worker" - not sure how to change that though.
I enjoyed the read. I concur that transitioning from technical skills to delegating results was a task within itself. I did not realize I was almost trying to do the same thing from my previous position, and it was not working. However, I am seeing the results of how delegating daily tasks makes my job and workload easier. Thank you, Laurie.
Thank you for sharing information about your trip Laurie! All 3 things resonate with me - probably #1 being the biggest. I know when I'm gone for a week, I'm still thinking about work and need a vacation when I get back because I did not relax enough. I think your idea of a longer vacation is definitely in my future!!
Hey Laurie, My take on your list - 1 - everyone has a story - listen 2- social media causes interpersonal problems 5- generational differences create hurdles / earn it you aren't entitled / we should help them get there not give it to them 6 AMEN some leaders I would have followed thru Hell, some I wish - well, you know 7- true BUT be as good as your word and 14- Hopefully we leave some good from our efforts, I know the good leaders I have had have. Seen a lot in my career but it really comes down to treat others the way you want to be treated, fair, honest, and straight forward. Good read. Take care
I love this so much and thank you so much for sharing! I really just love realizing that enjoying the simple things sometimes is the best! Also recognizing that what is important and fun to you may not be everyone else's fun on the on the trip. “Do we get to keep these toiletries?” was my favorite!!!! :):) Glad you had a great time and got to spend it with your family!
I very much resonate with lesson no 3! Thank you Laurie
I think the part that you might have missed in their top 5 things, some of which were not "Italian" or even different from home, all of them happened with you, both of you. And i think that is what they will remember too. And you've got tons of photos that will remind them of what the Sistine Chapel looked like - then they might remember what it sounded like or smelled like. Oh- and i agree with you 100% about sleep!
LOTS of great take-aways from this post! Thank you for posting! I especially love "slow down to speed up". That's a keeper!
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the not getting enough rest to be at my best. definitely need to get more quality sleep and make that a priority
It really is hard to narrow down the 3 lessons into one because they are all so interconnected. You need to give your mind and body THE TIME to relax SO THAT you can enjoy the SIMPLE THINGS, including REST. I enjoyed that lesson as a whole. I will take that lesson with me on my next vacation (or staycation). As always, thank you Laurie for your candor and for sharing your own lessons with others so that we too can benefit.
Great information and reminders
Laurie, Thank you for sharing your trip and these nuggets. The lessons that resonate most with me are it does take time to relax and getting proper rest. When you devote 15 plus hours of your day for work, taking care of home and others; the 6-7 hours you lay down does not cut it! For me during this time I'm trying to unwind and find myself thinking fighting not to think about what I have to do tomorrow. Even after I create a to do list for the next day...I find things I need to add. Taking a day off here and there doesn't cut it as well because of all the plans you have for that day. I try to make sure my Mental Health Days remains just that.... time for me to laugh, cry, scream.... whatever I need to release the cares and stress!
Really enjoyed the article... and all very true!
Since I was already well aware of #1 (I'm in the same boat with taking a long time to relax), I think I'm resonating most with #3. I'm learning to prioritize sleep / rest and it's been wonderful. Love that you said "I love sleep.". :)
Welcome back from vacation. Well deserve! Action is the key to success. Shoulder to shoulder, coaching and delegating task to help other employees grow are very important. It is a sacrifice that one must do. Forget about yourself and be with your team day in and out to help them grow, is not always easy. On the long run, your team is stronger, and you can depend on them for the success of the organization. Thank you so much!
So many great tips here, thank you!
I am so impressed you're able to disconnect and these are great tips I'll be sure to try on my next trip!
Such a great post - so inspiring!