Laurie Maddalena

I write a monthly blog for the Credit Union Executive Society (CUES) and when they asked if I would write a blog on advice for working remotely during back-to-school season, I struggled at first to think of what I could contribute. I want to preface my column with a caveat—I don’t know all the answers. I don’t have a magic wand to make things go back to normal. Every situation is unique. But there is one thing we all have in common; things are different. How we work and how we lead has significantly changed over the past six months. My intent is by sharing a few things that worked for me that you might glean an idea or two, or at the very least, know you are not alone.

I have publicly shared my challenges when this pandemic hit last spring.  I still struggle in many ways—having my three kids home for the past six (!) months has taught me that I am definitely not stay-at-home or homeschooling mom material. I’ve never been the mom who loves crafts (in one weak moment in a Michael’s craft store last Christmas I thought it would be a good idea to buy build-your-own gingerbread houses. Disaster). I dislike Halloween—it’s just one more thing on my list of things to do. And at the holidays I’ve been known to send my kids’ teachers gift cards and wine in lieu of the homemade gifts that show you put time and effort in (who doesn’t need wine and Amazon?).

So I’m pretty sure the biggest lesson I have learned through all of this is that I like my life to be compartmentalized into neat sections—kids in the morning, work during the day, a little bit of kids at night, and clock out of all parenting responsibilities by 8:30.

I always thought I was resilient, but I’ve found that I’m most resilient when things go my way.

But here’s the reality: my kids fight, all the time. They don’t listen. I think my nine-year-old daughter handed in exactly two assignments out of 20 last spring. My seven-year-old son whined for a half hour every day before his daily one-hour recorded math lessons. They watched way more TV then I ever thought I would allow. I bribed them with ice cream more times than I can count. My daughter has refused to go to bed before 10:30 for the past 62 days (yes, I’m counting) which has led to nightly tears (me and her) and meltdowns. All the parenting strategies I learned in the books has gone down the drain.

This is hard. *Sigh*

I’ve heard the struggles from my clients—particularly my women clients—who have young children. How will they balance working full time with managing Zoom calls, assignments, and interruptions? How can they get through their own workload and Zoom calls each day?

You can see what a dilemma this is. The hours just don’t add up. It’s not possible to do it all. And if we try, we will break.

As leaders, the two skills we need the most right now are empathy and flexibility. To get the best from our employees during this time, we need to support them and understand the impact this challenge is having on each of them individually. And as much as possible, we should work to be flexible with how our employees get their work done. Now, in some cases, you may not be able to be flexible for some positions. You may need some front-line employees in the branch. However, some management or exempt positions may allow for some flexibility.

One shift that leaders need to make is moving from hours-focused to results-focused. It may be impossible for many of your employees to work a straight eight-hour day right now. I know in my public-school district, the virtual school hours will be from 8:30 to 3:30 with a ninety-minute break for lunch. Many parents will need to support their children in getting setup for video calls and completing homework (this is a full-time job). If you are focused on the hours your employee works, it’s a lose-lose situation. No one can be successful. Instead, focus on outcomes. What are the outcomes you would like each employee to complete each week? Focusing on results or outcomes allows each person to manage their schedule the best way possible to get results at work and keep the peace (more or less) at home.

Here’s the thing—your employees will take care of your members if you take care of them. If you want member loyalty, you should build employee loyalty. You do that by treating your team members as human beings who need flexibility, support, and empathy from everyone in their life right now—including their managers.

If you are a parent struggling to make it all work, below are some strategies as you navigate balancing remote work with kids at home:

Communicate with your child’s teacher. When my daughter struggled to complete online assignments, I reached out to her teacher for support. I was able to negotiate my daughter hand-writing a report each week instead of completing paragraphs for online assignments. I also shared that I was struggling to keep up with her assignment while I worked full time. Her teacher was more than willing to help and created a plan with me that suited our family schedule better. The lesson—often teachers are more than willing to adjust to help you and your child be more successful. Keep the lines of communication open.

Be proactive with your manager. This will be particularly important if you have a traditional manager who is not as flexible or shows less tolerance for the reality of your situation (kids interrupting your Zoom calls). Traditional managers tend to focus on tangibles like hours worked. Be proactive by approaching your manager about your personal situation. If you need to help your kids with school during the day, propose a schedule that would allow you to get certain outcomes done during the week. I have several clients who were able to adjust their schedule to work an hour before the kids are up, limited hours during the day, and more at night. Suggest a schedule that is realistic for your situation and propose the results or outcomes that you can complete each week. Set up a weekly meeting to update your manager on what you have accomplished, and ask her how she would prefer you communicate results (weekly check-in call? Weekly email update?).

Create self-care rituals. I know, you probably are tired of hearing this. I often roll my eyes when I read this suggestion in an article. But what I know from the first three months of the pandemic, is that I almost cracked trying to juggle it all. At that point, there was nowhere to go, and self-care was a challenge for most of us. What I’ve learned is that I need to be creative. This might be having a friend watch your kids and trading off together so you can each have some time to yourself. If you have family support, having your kids sleep over at a family member’s house on a Friday night. We let our kids watch a movie so we can exercise or have some quiet time. One of my friends created a small “learning pod” where four families rotate hosting the kids (socially distanced) one day a week for lessons and that parent manages the Zoom calls and assignments. Be creative and be resourceful. The only way to get through this time is to have periods where you can recharge.

Give yourself grace. Above all, don’t be hard on yourself. I know things are all over the place right now, and you are probably feeling overworked, exhausted, and underappreciated. I have moments where I think I may have a mental breakdown (no kidding) and moments where I am so grateful my family is healthy. All the emotions we are feeling are valid and real. Don’t get down on yourself for not being able to be your best at all times. Take a breath. You are a human being having a human experience. Give yourself grace.

There are things we can control, and things we can’t. We can’t control the school system. We can’t control all of the precautions we have to take in our world right now. We can’t control the fact that our kids are learning in a less-than-ideal environment. But we can control how we show up as leaders to support our team. We can control our leadership actions—reaching out to touch base with each of our employees, showing empathy when someone is feeling challenged, and being flexible with schedules as much as possible. Our employees will not forget how we treat them during this time. Doing our best to support our team will pay dividends in loyalty and productivity long term.

Ellen DeGeneres has had a tough month. Multiple news outlets have been circulating employee and celebrity stories accusing Ellen of not living up to her declaration of “be kind to one another”. I don’t know if these stories are true, but they are certainly compelling given various instances shared of Ellen being more mean-spirited than kind-hearted.

Ellen’s current predicament is a great leadership lesson for all of us. It’s not the words you say that matter, it’s the actions you take. Behind everything great is a quality that brings it to life—action.

This reminds me of an interaction I experienced several years ago at a chapter meeting for the National Speaker’s Association. A well-known speaker was presenting to the group the importance of building rapport with an audience when he happened to mention the town he grew up in. Immediately, I felt a connection to this speaker; he grew up in a small town in upstate New York just ten minutes from my hometown.

“What are the chances?!” I thought.

Right after he finished speaking, I excitedly approached him to share our mutual connection of small upstate New York towns when he totally blew me off. He was so concerned with getting his books ready for the audience to purchase, that he missed an opportunity to really make a connection with someone right there in front of him. It was ironic since his speech was about building rapport. Yet the minute he walked off the stage, it was like he got out of character and stopped playing the part.

Interestingly, last year I re-met this speaker at a national conference, and he was friendly and engaging. So perhaps the previous year, I caught him in a moment of stress, and he wasn’t his best self. But as leaders, we need to be mindful of how we show up. People are always watching, and every interaction we experience has the opportunity to reinforce our positive message, or, completely negate the message we just professed. These interactions matter, and although we all have bad days, these negative exchanges can have a long-term impact on our relationships.

People don’t follow what you say, they follow what you do.

To be exceptional leaders, we need to put action behind the messages we convey. We need to walk our talk, not just declare it. It’s in the moments of action (or inaction) that we build trust and cohesion with our employees or chip away at trust and our integrity. Our words matter, but our actions are what bring them to life and demonstrate our message.

Everything great intention needs action to bring it to life:

• It’s not enough to tell someone you love them; you need to demonstrate it.
• It’s not enough to say you’re building a great place to work; you need to create a great place to work.
• It’s not enough to say you value your employees, you need to show them.
• It’s not enough to say you value respect, you must be respectful.
• It’s not enough to say you are open to others’ opinions, you must listen.

People trust you when you do what you say you will do. This is how great cultures are created and how leaders become truly influential.

Effective leadership is less about doing, and more about being. It’s not a role you play, it’s a practice you cultivate. It’s the everyday actions you put behind your leadership that makes all the difference.

And you know what, Ellen is right about one thing—kindness matters. But don’t just say it, do it.

I’m writing this article from my walk-in closet during the second week of being at home during the COVID-19 pandemic. Right now it’s the quietest place in my house as we navigate this new normal. My regular office is being used by one of my three kids who are being “homeschooled” while my husband and I balance running two businesses virtually. I’m not sure how much learning is happening right now, but we are doing our best to manage this challenging situation. This is real life. It’s messy and it’s difficult.

Each of your employees has their own situation and challenges during this unprecedented time. Some may have elderly parents who are at higher risk, some find themselves teaching their children while they juggle work, and others may have a spouse who is self-employed or recently laid off. Each situation is different, yet many of us are experiencing the same emotions of fear, uncertainty, and frustration.

Many of my clients have been working overtime to get their employees set up remotely so they can continue to serve their members and clients as effectively as possible. Some are strategizing how to handle the uncertain economic outlook as we navigate this change. These are all Important and urgent responsibilities that leaders need to navigate. But leadership is not just about solving problems.  There is another important responsibility that we should not forget while we continue to ensure our operations run as smoothly as possible: caretaking the culture.

Now more than ever it is important for leaders in organizations to put leadership into practice. Leadership is not a title or position. Leadership is a verb—it requires action. Just like a garden requires water, soil, and sun to thrive, relationships require cultivation to thrive. This means leaders need to show up, connect, support, and provide clarity; especially during challenging times. Exceptional leaders will rise to the challenge and seamlessly do what they do best: connect with each human being who is on their team and listen, support, and encourage. But I fear mediocre managers will hide behind their laptops and focus on technical work rather than the important actions required of great leadership.

Below are three areas to focus on to be an exceptional leader and manage your team in this uncertain time:

1. Acknowledge and address emotions.

This is so important during this time, and cannot be overlooked. Employees aren’t looking for a cheerleader to tell them to think positive and everything will be fine. It’s important to provide hope for our employees, but only after we have acknowledged their feelings. Each manager must connect individually with each of your employees (preferably through video if you are working remotely) to understand the impact this challenging situation has had on them personally. This means scheduling a one-on-one video call with every one of your employees to ask them how they are doing during this challenging time. Not only will this allow your employee to express their fears and challenges so they can work through those uncertainties, but knowing this information will allow you to support each individual better.

I led a virtual leadership session this morning where we spent 45 minutes allowing the twelve leaders to share how this virus has impacted them personally, and how they are navigating the changes. By the end of the 45 minutes, the leaders were more positive and were sharing tips with each other on how to work in a virtual environment more effectively. One of the worst things leaders can do in a crisis is to gloss over the hard part (emotions) and focus on plans of action. People need to feel heard and understood before they can move to problem solving. You simply cannot ignore human emotions and fears. Your employees will appreciate that you care about them and their families, and they will respond with more discretionary effort. The Kubler-Ross Model—Stages of Grief is a great resource to understand how humans process not only grief, but big changes such as mergers, layoffs, and pandemics.

2. Create Clarity.

Communication is always an important part of leadership, yet during challenging times, clear and frequent communication is more important than ever. In this virtual environment, the best way to create clarity and keep the lines of communication open is to create structures to support dialogue.

• Virtual meetings: I recommend at least one team meeting each week and regular check-in calls with your direct reports. One of my clients is holding a morning and end of day check in call with their teams every day. In the morning, they set the goals for the day (creating clarity for what needs to get done) and in the afternoon they check-in on progress. This has kept their projects moving along on schedule. Mediocre and poor managers tend to take the easy route by retreating to their virtual office while focusing on their own technical work. Exceptional leaders know that the effort they put into creating communication structures will keep everyone engaged and on track.
• Office Hours: Another great practice for supporting your employees is to create weekly “office hours”. Much like a professor has office hours where students can drop in to get help or ask questions, leaders can offer specific times during their week where employees can schedule individual time with you.

3. Caretake the Culture.

It can be challenging to keep a team engaged when they aren’t interacting in person every day, but it is possible to create connection virtually. Here are five tips for ensuring a positive, engaged culture during this challenging time:

• Connect with each employee individually, preferably through video, at least once a week.
• At the start of each meeting, take some time for a short teambuilding exercise. Some of my favorites:
  • • One Word: ask each person to share one word to describe their state of mind. This is a great exercise to gauge how your employees are feeling.
    • New or Good: What is something new or good that has happened in the last week?
    • Questions: pick one question that each person answers. For example, “What is the best vacation you have ever been on?”
    • Positivity exercise: give everyone one minute to write down anything positive that has happened in the past week. Ask each person to share one before the start of the meeting.
    • Ask each person to share a strategy or tip for working successfully from home.
• Hold a virtual coffee or “happy hour” at the end of the week where everyone can bring their favorite drink and catch up socially. It’s important to build in time for people to connect outside of the typical task-focused meetings.
• Send a handwritten card or a small gift in the mail to each employee to let them know you are thinking of them. You can order a book, bookmark, coffee mug, journal, or even a box of chocolates right from Amazon (if you search “gift for employee” on Amazon, you will see some great options).
• Recognize milestones like work anniversaries, birthdays, marriage anniversaries, and baby milestones at the start of weekly team meetings. Encourage employees to share a picture with the milestone. For example, while “homeschooling” my three kids last week, they all (finally) learned how to ride their bikes. A huge win, as it gets them outside more!

• Communicate and encourage boundaries. Some leaders worry that their employees won’t work hard enough when working from home, but a two-year study from Stanford University showed that employees in the study were 13% more productive when working from home. As leaders, it’s important to encourage employees to set healthy boundaries like taking breaks, stopping work at a certain time, and not checking emails after hours. Model this behavior for your staff and share with them how you create healthy boundaries so you can take care of yourself mentally and physically.

Being human and transparent during this time will allow you to deepen your connections with each employee and keep them engaged in their work. Remember, it is your responsibility as a leader to provide support, remove obstacles, and create connection on your team. It takes even more effort to do this in a virtual environment. And this is our job as leaders. Leadership is a privilege and a responsibility, and it takes daily effort and consistent practices to show up as an exceptional leader each day for your team.

In August, our family welcomed an Au Pair from Italy who was supposed to be with us for a year. With a busy household of three young kids with many activities, my husband and I were hopeful this was the answer to our struggle of sport schedules, work travel, and two businesses. Having an extra set of hands would reduce some of the stress of managing five different schedules.

Within two weeks of arriving, our ideal vision of a life with our Au Pair had faded to the reality of stress, disappointment, and unfulfilled expectations. A week into her stay, we gave her some candid and supportive feedback about how she could engage better with the kids, and how we needed to increase the driving lessons because her driving skills were much lower than we had expected. A week later, during her fifth driving lesson with my husband, he had to grab the wheel to avoid a catastrophic accident. We realized we could never trust her to drive our kids, which was one of our main goals of the program. We sat down with her and our local consultant from the Au Pair company and respectfully shared the news that we weren’t a good fit for each other. She was upset and disappointed, as were we, but we felt confident in our decision. It would be easy to avoid the conversation and convince ourselves that she is a nice girl and we should try to make it work, but the bottom line was that her skill level was not a fit for our needs. Dragging it out for another two months would be stressful and unpleasant for her and for us.

Although most people were supportive and understood our decision, we were criticized by a couple of people who thought we should have given her more time to adjust. We felt strongly that the issue was not the adjustment period; her fundamental skill level was not a match for our needs and we would never feel confident or comfortable with her driving our children anywhere. Being a nice person didn’t make her effective at the job.

Despite the criticism, we stood by the decision to part ways, which was the best choice for our family, and ultimately the Au Pair. Keeping her in a situation that did not fit her skills was not in her best interest either. Being an only child, she was overwhelmed by three small kids, and would fit better with a family with less kids who did not need a driver.

This type of situation occurs often in our organizations—should we keep someone who is not meeting expectations, or terminate employment. These decisions are not always easy, but they are the hard decisions that leaders must have the courage to make. Keeping a low performer because they are a nice person and people like them does more damage than good to your culture. Choosing to preserve relationships over making hard decisions can frustrate your high performers, increase turnover, and have a negative impact on engagement.

Although these situations can be uncomfortable, we can handle them with respect and kindness. As leaders, we need to set expectations, provide timely and meaningful feedback, and provide coaching and support. It is our responsibility to do what we can to effectively lead an employee to better performance. And if performance isn’t improving, we can part ways with an employee with compassion and kindness.

It is important to take into consideration the whole system when making important people decisions. Sometimes that means a decision that is best for the company over our own department, and sometimes that means letting go of someone who is not a good fit for our team. Keeping an employee who is not a good fit not only has a negative impact on our teams and culture, but also on that individual employee. Releasing that person to find a better fit for their skills is the kind and respectful thing to do. In our case, keeping our Au Pair because she was kind and we felt bad wasn’t helping the fact that we needed someone who could engage with our kids, set limits, and take them to activities. Keeping her was not the right choice for our family system.

Time and again I have seen leaders accept mediocre or low performance to avoid an uncomfortable conversation or situation. I have frequently been called upon as an executive coach when the CEO or senior leader has reached their frustration point and been asked to coach a leader who has been ineffective for 10, 15, 20 or more years. Many times these ineffective leaders have received little or no feedback on the impact of their actions, performance, or behavior. The organization has worked around them, and both sides have suffered. It is our responsibility as leaders to be honest and direct with people so they can improve or find an organization where they will be more successful.

Our Au Pair left two weeks ago to join a new family in New York who have two children and don’t need a driver. By parting ways, our Au Pair was able to find a family where she has the skills to be effective and successful. And we can now find an Au Pair who will meet our needs and be fully successful in our family.